The Catholic Letter

Catholic Comedy

The Famous Catholic Sales Letter

Did You Ever Wish You Could Always be Right?

GK Chesterton once wondered why so many people deny the existence of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and in the same breath claim they have the ‘right’ to do something. He wrote about it over fifty years ago, but you hear the same charade today. And no matter how many free-thinkers are spewing their drooping philosophy, the general populace still accepts that there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ to everything. Their argument is over what is right and what is wrong.

But what if you could confidently say “I’m right about this.” And never err? What if you could know, without a shadow of doubt, the moral standing of every action? What if you could trust in a source (a guide book) for answers to all questions, even when your mind can’t comprehend the logic behind the black and white facts?

Now you can! Find the answer to life, death, and the meaning behind everything. See through the muddled arguments, and get past politics, emotions, and convoluted logic.

  • Argue with confidence against adversaries
  • Discover a never ending source of competent research information
  • Always stand ready to find the answer to anything dealing with faith and morals

But this is only a small part of the life empowering advantage available to you now! Join the growing list of affiliates and discover the countless benefits that can add meaning and fulfillment to every corner of your life.

Find a Valuable New Friendship…one Unavailable Anywhere Else

By connecting with our life-enhancing organization, you’ll make a new friend…one so committed to your well being- He’ll offer you love and mercy no matter how many times you betray Him!

Imagine the peace of mind knowing that there will always be someone to turn to, no matter what kind of trouble you’re in! Even as you part from Him, He’ll stand by waiting (even beckoning) for your return. Can you say this about ANYONE else?

In case you doubt the genuineness of this new friendship, I’d like to tell you a story about a guy I know of who had spent his whole life trying to destroy the network of ‘friends’ that we’re promoting. While most enemies of this organization stopped at telling a few lies and slandering the good name of our arrangement, he took it much further. He imprisoned countless people for their association with us. He tortured and killed hundreds of people. Men, women and children…he had no regard for life.

He was an officer in the Nazi party. He lived in a world of hate. He despised Jews, Christians, and anyone dedicated to love. He occupied Italy, where he committed unmentionable abominations…never considering the pain and suffering he had caused.

Do you think he deserved friendship from our founder? Do you think, after such heinous crimes, that our founder would even consider giving this man a helping hand? No, of course not. It’s not in our nature to show mercy to such a vile man. But our founder is no ordinary person. He took this man in, and showered him with love. He saved the man’s family from death, and offered a source of hope during the darkest hours of his life.

That’s the kind of unconditional love you’ll find in this incredible relationship. No more scrutinizing. No more despair. Only the confidence that no matter what the world thinks of you, there’s always someone who loves you so much that He would endure torture and death for your sake!

Find New Hope When All Else Fails

No matter what our material resources are, we still find ourselves searching for hope. Well search no more. This unbelievable Friend is an oasis in every desert. He’ll bring light into your life when the dark night seems to last forever. And the light will NEVER go out!

We’re not talking about the false sense of security that a paycheck can bring…nor the unnatural high you can get by using narcotics. These shallow things won’t help you when the paycheck is gone and your mind comes crashing into a bleak reality. You’ll never escape that feeling of helplessness.

But as your friendship grows, you’ll let go of your control, and submit to a much deeper strength. One necessary to make it through rough times…times when you might have otherwise turned to sin and crime…or even suicide.

Uncover the Meaning behind Pain and Suffering

It’s part of the human condition to suffer. And some people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning behind it. But our organization will give you the starting points to learn the real significance of pain…why it’s here, and how to deal with it. Though contemplation and adherence to our carefully planned life guide, you’ll come to a deep understanding of life’s afflictions. Never wonder ‘Why?’ again.

Find Fulfillment in a Life Dedicated to a Honorable Purpose

Fulfillment isn’t just about money or power. Man needs to know that his work in life contributes to the common good. He needs to feel like he’s a part of something larger than his own existence. Our organization offers more than just a ‘feeling’. You’ll know without a doubt that you’re making a difference. Our founder once said “You will know my people by the fruits of their labors.” And as you grow in our network of ‘do gooders’, you’ll see the fruits of your labor multiplied. You’ll see the miraculous power of charity, and witness the startling changes that it can make in the lives of others.

All This- And Its Absolutely FREE

OK, you’re looking for a catch. This all sounds too good to be true, so it must cost an arm and a leg, right?

Absolutely not. Our founder asks only one thing…commitment. He once gave up his life for you, and he wants you to devote yours to him. That’s all it takes. Just devote yourself to Him.

So What is This Organization, and How do I Join?

We are the Catholic Church. Our founder, Jesus Christ, makes it incredibly easy to join. Many people are already members and don’t know it...or aren’t able to take part in all of the Catholic activities like confession and the Eucharist. If you want to become a member, just talk to one of the many customer service representatives (priests) and ask about joining. He’ll tell you where to attend some classes aimed to give you a full understanding of the Church, and then baptize you into the faith on Easter morning.

Some Common Questions-

But what if I screw up? Am I out? Absolutely not. As mentioned above, our founder will accept you no matter how many times you stray from His path, he’ll keep taking you back. For forgiveness, all that’s necessary is a sincere “I’m Sorry” in prayer. For absolution (the guarantee of forgiveness, and the ability to take part in other Catholic activities) simply tell your sins to a priest, and he’ll absolve them.

Why do I need to tell a priest? When man turned away from God for the first time, he destined himself to a life of misery, without hope for forgiveness. Our founder became man, so that he could die for our sins…the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate offense. Later, he rose from the dead (by his own will) and then ascended into heaven to be with God the Father. Before he left, he gave us an organized Church, one ideally situated to handle human complications. He left priests as a leader in this church…someone to act as a go-between. The priest also intervenes when he baptizes. We are a social people, and it was our Founder’s desire to use our sociality to our advantage in the confessional. For more information, see the latest version of The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

What if I don’t believe everything the Church teaches? There’s nothing wrong with this. Not everyone believes everything. All that’s necessary is that you accept the Church’s authority. If you can’t understand it, or disagree with it, it won’t count against you as long as you obey any rulings and commandments stemming from the teaching.

Act Now!

Don’t wait for a death-bed conversion. You might end up dying in your sleep. And don’t waste your life on emptiness when you can be full now. This opportunity can end at any time…so start now on your path to fulfillment.